If you want to know about a process which can bring anyone from 'NO' to 'YES' - particularly in difficult conversations where you might be 'losing it'– read on!
REVIEW what YOU are doing to get 'traction' with another person = LISTEN .... ASK ..... MIRROR .... REFLECT BACK what you've heard [ie what they have said - not what you want to say ... get them to feel 'understood' FIRST]
This is called 'DOWN-SHIFTING' - most people actually 'up-shift' when they want to get through to other people ie they PERSUADE ... ENCOURAGE .... ARGUE .... PUSH .... GET FRUSTRATED & ANGRY & DEMAND!! = get's 'NO' from the other person!
GET THROUGH TO YOURSELF 1st ... FAST! [30 secs to 1 minute max] by going through the 5 PART SPEED DRILL before opening your mouth ... 1. acknowledge what you're upset/afraid/anxious about - say it OUT-LOUD to yourself in a brief sentence and THEN ..... 2. take a deep breath in through your nose [eyes closed helps as well] & breath out through your mouth saying R - E - L - A- X slowly ... and do this..... 3. until you can say 'Okay .. I can deal with this ... Oh well ... could be worse ... CALMLY! 4.Start to think of what to say to make the make the best of the situation 5. Open your eyes & take the action/say words you have decided on.......
LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND how they are feeling/thinking - you don't have to agree .... just LISTEN so you understand their perspective
MAKE THE OTHER PERSON 'FEEL FELT' [get those MIRROR NEURONS activated -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_zTJYPwQ_0 .... by putting yourself in the other person's shoes and giving them the understanding THEY need - How would I feel if I was them? "I understand what your feeling" followed by using 'their words' to feedback to them that you have LISTENED is a powerful way forward - no sarcasm !!! You are helping the other person to 'feel felt' .. you can then understand what needs to be different for the person to feel better
BE WILLING TO 'BARE YOUR NECK' ie be willing to BE VULNERABLE – IT’S a strength most people choose not to employ- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdJUX4fyDN0 ..... ADMIT 'I'm afraid' or 'I'm lonely' or' I don't know how to get through this' or 'I don't understand what's going on for me at the moment' or 'I know I'm being difficult etc at the moment' or 'I know I screwed up over ....' .... this produces in the other person a desire to help .... to feel your pain .... this is true even if you are 'vulnerable' in this way with people you may not like very much!!! You can create INSTANT BONDS with people you never thought could/would be 'friends'.... feel YOUR FEAR/VULNERABILITY and bare your neck instead of your teeth!!
FRAME A QUESTION WHICH IS LIKELY TO GET 'YES' from the other person eg... 'How would you like me to help you with ....?' Would YOU like a cup of tea/coffee/water etc?' ... then move on to another Q to get 'Yes' ensuring you always LISTEN to the response and adapt accordingly .... this develops a 'bond' and furthers a relationship on any level ....
Developing good relationships with difficult people is within your gift - especially when you achieve 'buy-in' by activating those mirror neurons.
Enjoy the journey for yourself AND for others.
“When you really get where people are coming from – & they get that you get them – they’re more likely to let you take them where you want them to go.”
Warren Bennis
E.M.Paul
coaching@elainepaul.co.uk